forsv: potpourri of thoughts

jest for pun (October'05)

October'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

I'm slowly becoming a convert to the principle that you can't motivate people to do things, you can only demotivate them. The primary job of the manager is not to empower but to remove obstacles. - Scott Adams

Sarae Jahan Se Achha Hindostan Hamara

googol: 10¹⁰⁰, or 1 followed by 100 zeros

Andy Borowitz

Elsewhere, Apple Computer today introduced the first Video IPod, expected to be popular among porn fans with excellent eyesight. - Andy Borowitz

Wrap up the week with some fun

Google 2084

Bush

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

jest for pun (September'05)

September'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Somebody's Darling

American women expect to find in their husbands a perfection that English women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965)

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years. - Gracie Allen

You don't know a women till you've met her in court. - Norman Mailer

Gone with the water.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can't lose. - Bill Gates

Bill Gates meets Napolean Dynamite.

Bill Gates meets Napolean Dynamite. Microsoft has a history of doing little spoofs at their developer events (a couple years ago Gates and Ballmer did a send up of the GTI commercial and then there was The Matrix). While this one is a shaky camera capture (hopefully someone uploads the original), it's still pretty amusing and fun to watch Gates poke fun at himself. Of course, the unintended comedy videos involving Gates are often funnier.

jest for pun (August'05)

August'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

can you hear me now?

Men talk of killing time, while time quietly kills them. - Dion Boucicault

jest for pun (July'05)

July'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

I am... a mushroom; On whom the dew of heaven drops now and then. - John Ford

east or west India is the best

Last christmas my sister, Geri, gave me a lovely Cloth calendar. It only took me 5 hours to sew in a Doctor's appointment... - Robert Paul (British Computer Scientist, Humorist)

Andy Borowitz: white male shocker

ROBERTS VOWS TO BE MOST GENERIC WHITE MALE IN HISTORY OF SUPREME COURT by Andy Borowitz

Bush Praises Nondescript Nominee

John G. Roberts, President Bush's nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the United States Supreme Court, made a case for his own nomination today, telling reporters that, if confirmed, he was determined to be "the most generic white male in the history of the Supreme Court."

With a beaming President Bush at his side, Judge Roberts said that if he serves on the nation's highest court, "The nondescript American white male, who is woefully underrepresented in this country at present, will finally have a voice."

Judge Roberts summarized the life experiences that had put him in touch with the needs of the generic white male, including a brief period in the early 1980's when he modeled generic men's sportswear for K-Mart, as well as a later stint as a downloadable generic white male icon for ClipArt.

While President Bush praised his nominee for being both "interchangeable" and "unremarkable," a poll taken just hours after the nomination was announced suggests trouble ahead, with a clear majority of Americans being unable to remember Judge Roberts' name.

According to the poll, over fifty percent of those surveyed identified Mr. Bush's nominee as either "Jim Rogers" or "Bob Roberts," with over seventy percent confusing him with CBS news anchor John Roberts, yet another prominent generic white male.

For his part, President Bush appeared unfazed by such numbers, telling reporters at the White House, "I have total confidence in Don Rogers."

Elsewhere, over 150,000 women in Great Britain submitted applications to become actor Jude Law's new nanny.

jest for pun (June'05)

June'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. - Charles Darwin

Never trust a thin chef. - Anonymous

The art of photography is to make that which seems unbeautiful, beautiful. -Jennifer Barton

To a leg of a heron
Adding a long shank
Of a pheasant.
- Basho

games people play

or you are an eggnog.

Bawdy limericks are vocal graffiti - Judith Economos

huh?

Does anyone really know what they're doing? At Huh Corp, not only are they clueless about business, they come out and say so. This parody site riffs on corporate America's obsession with nonsensical buzz words by giving visitors a fake consulting company that dares to tell the truth. Huh Corp's strategy: "Convince clients that we do stuff they can't do themselves." Their philosophy on customer service: "Client satisfaction is always our first priority. Well...actually...maybe something like third or fourth." But wait, what do you get for your money? "Snazzy binders that look nice on big, round meeting tables." Granted, we don't know much about "global awareness paradigms," but that sounds like a good deal to us

ceo

(This one got to me.)

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

jest for pun (May'05)

May'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Publication is a self-invasion of privacy. -Marshall McLuhan (1911 - 1980) Canadian writer and theoretician.

History is the short trudge from Adam to atom. - Leonard Louis Levinson

You can kill ten of my men for every one I kill of yours, but even at those odds, you will lose and I will win. - Ho Chi Minh to the French, late 1940s

Any dictator would admire the uniformity and obedience of the U.S. media. - Noam Chomsky

inspiration is everywhere

Coffee isn't my cup of tea. - Samuel Goldwyn

food for travel

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. - Arthur C. Clarke

from your lips to God’s ears.

An idle mind is ........ the best way to relax.

lessons from history

Grocery Store Wars

Enjoy heh heh heh...

42 Below Vodka

Aussie/NZ satire at so many levels.

Corporate Statement of the Week

Huh Corp: We Do Stuff.

sayings

There were twenty-five students in Mrs. Jane's class.

Jane, a Southern California elementary school teacher, presented each child with the first half of a proverb and asked them to finish the sentences. It's hard to believe these were actually done by average first graders. Their insights may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

Strike while the ............................. bug is close.
It's always darkest before ................ Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
You can lead a horse to water but ......... how?
Don't bite the hand that ................... looks dirty.
No news .................................... impossible.
A miss is as good as a ........................ Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new ........... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll ...... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust ................................ me.
The pen is mightier than the ............... pigs.
An idle mind is ...................... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
Happy the bride who......................... gets all the presents.
A penny saved is ............................. not much.
Two's company, three's ...................... the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what ............ you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ........you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as .................... Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not ............ spanked.
If at first you don't succeed ............... get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you .. see on the box.
When the blind lead the blind ................ get out of the way.

And the WINNER!

Better late than ............................... pregnant!

jest for pun (April'05)

April '05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Life is lighter than a feather, duty heavier than a mountain. - Robert Jordan, (The Great Hunt, Book 2 of The Wheel of Time)

My great mistake, the fault for which I can't forgive myself, is that one day I ceased my obstinate pursuit of my own individuality. - Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

if water is not intoxicating for u!

Live in the sunshine, swim the sea, drink the wild air… - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

Weather means more when you have a garden. There's nothing like listening to a shower and thinking how it is soaking in around your green beans. - Marcelene Cox

If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut. - Albert Einstein

robots are here

Ask and you shall Receive!

The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. - Anonymous

Instant Human - Just Add Coffee.

A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye. -Samuel Grafton

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. - Steven Wright (b. 1955) - American comedian, actor.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? - Stephen Wright

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. - Jay Leno

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. - Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working when you get up in the morning, and doesn't stop until you get to the office. - Robert Frost (1874 - 1963) - American poet. Winner of 4 Pulitzer prizes.

mind your email

are you gulped yet?

Andy Borowitz: identity theft shocker

IDENTITY THIEF RETURNS IDENTITIES DEEMED WORTHLESS by Andy Borowitz

'Losers,' Fumes Angry Hacker

An identity thief who has stolen over half a million identities over the past two years returned all but four of them today, declaring the identities "totally worthless" and "an enormous waste of my time and hard work."

The computer hacker, who spoke to reporters via conference call today, said that "in all my years of stealing identities, I have never come across a bigger collection of losers."

He said that he had spent months hacking through the security firewall of one of the nation's largest financial institutions, hoping to reap billions of dollars for his efforts, but after sifting through the stolen identities he found that they were "little more than a garbage dump of unpaid college loans and overdue Blockbuster bills."

"Everybody's running around worried about identity theft these days," he added. "All I can say is, don't flatter yourself by thinking you have an identity that's worth my time."

In San Diego, at the annual convention of the National Association of Hackers and Identity Thieves, some of the nation's most prominent cyberthieves complained about what they called a serious decline in the number of identities worth stealing.

They called out for financial institutions to institute measures that would warn or "tag" particularly worthless identities, enabling hackers to focus their energies elsewhere.

"You go through these so-called identities, and you realize there are millions of Americans out there who literally have no life," said one identity thief in attendance. "No wonder the Star Wars movies do so well."

Elsewhere, the Labor Department reported that unemployment surged by 300,000 this month but attributed the increase to lawyers fired by Michael Jackson.

Bathtub Art Museum

You won't find bathtubs festooned with Mona Lisas or poker playing dogs on this site --just a tubful of pictures of the bathroom fixture, most printed on postcards. If cats in a clawfoot, a toad in a tub, a babe in the bath, and a shopper soaking aren't enough to wash away your cares, take a look at the dumb laws about bathtubs. (If you live in Arizona, don't let your donkey sleep in your tub. You could end up in the slammer.) This site is just bubbling over with helpful tub tidbits, handmade postcards, and personal reminiscences of bathtub races. And if you're wondering why tubs, Curator Carye Bye comes clean about her obsession with pictures of bathtubs.

MIT graduate student writes 'fake research paper generator'

Student submits sample fake paper to Computer Science conference. Paper gets accepted. Now you too can try it for yourself.

Viagra

An Irish woman of advanced age, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra? asks the doctor.

"Not a chance", she said. "He won't even take an aspirin".

"Not a problem", replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went".

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid. Just terrible, doctor!".

"Really? What happened"? asked the doctor?

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. With a twinkle in his eye, With one swoop of his arm, he! sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good"?

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! 'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show my face in Starbucks again".

penny

There was a young woman named Jenny,
Whose limericks weren't worth a penny.
Her rhythm and rhyme
Were perfectly fine
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always had one line too many.
    - Anonymous

Euromail: What Germans can teach us about e-mail.

North America and Europe are two continents divided by a common technology: e-mail. Techno-optimists assure us that e-mail—along with the Internet and satellite TV—make the world smaller. That may be true in a technical sense. I can send a message from my home in Miami to a German friend in Berlin and it will arrive almost instantly. But somewhere over the Atlantic, the messages get garbled. In fact, two distinct forms of e-mail have emerged: Euromail and Amerimail.

Amerimail is informal and chatty. It's likely to begin with a breezy "Hi" and end with a "Bye." The chances of Amerimail containing a smiley face or an "xoxo" are disturbingly high. We Americans are reluctant to dive into the meat of an e-mail; we feel compelled to first inform hapless recipients about our vacation on the Cape which was really excellent except the jellyfish were biting and the kids caught this nasty bug so we had to skip the whale watching trip but about that investors' meeting in New York. ... Amerimail is a bundle of contradictions: rambling and yet direct; deferential, yet arrogant. In other words, Amerimail is America.

Euromail is stiff and cold, often beginning with a formal "Dear Mr. X" and ending with a brusque "Sincerely." You won't find any mention of kids or the weather or jellyfish in Euromail. It's all business. It's also slow. Your correspondent might take days, even weeks, to answer a message. Euromail is also less confrontational in tone, rarely filled with the overt nastiness that characterizes American e-mail disagreements. In other words, Euromail is exactly like the Europeans themselves. (I am, of course, generalizing. German e-mail style is not exactly the same as Italian or Greek, but they have more in common with each other than they do with American mail.)

Continure reading...

Google Gulp - quench your thirst for knowledge.

At Google our mission is to organize the world's information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information's usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who's using it. That's why we're pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of "smart drinks" designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty. Think fruity. Think refreshing.
Think a DNA scanner embedded in the lip of your bottle reading all 3 gigabytes of your base pair genetic data in a fraction of a second, fine-tuning your individual hormonal cocktail in real time using our patented Auto-Drink™ technology, and slamming a truckload of electrolytic neurotransmitter smart-drug stimulants past the blood-brain barrier to achieve maximum optimization of your soon-to-be-grateful cerebral cortex. Plus, it's low in carbs! And with flavors ranging from Beta Carroty to Glutamate Grape, you'll never run out of ways to quench your thirst for knowledge.

How to get Gulped?
You can pick up your own supply of this "limited release" product simply by turning in a used Gulp Cap at your local grocery store. How to get a Gulp Cap? Well, if you know someone who's already been "gulped," they can give you one. And if you don't know anyone who can give you one, don't worry – that just means you aren't cool. But very, very (very!) soon, you will be.

Google Gulp and Your Privacy
From time to time, in order to improve Google Gulp's usefulness for our users, Google Gulp will send packets of data related to your usage of this product from a wireless transmitter embedded in the base of your Google Gulp bottle to the GulpPlex™, a heavily guarded, massively parallel server farm whose location is known only to Eric Schmidt, who carries its GPS coordinates on a 64-bit-encrypted smart card locked in a stainless-steel briefcase handcuffed to his right wrist. No personally identifiable information of any kind related to your consumption of Google Gulp or any other current or future Google Foods product will ever be given, sold, bartered, auctioned off, tossed into a late-night poker pot, or otherwise transferred in any way to any untrustworthy third party, ever, we swear. See our Privacy Policy.

jest for pun (March'05)

March '05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner (b. 1956) - American comedian, actress.

Punctuality is the virtue of the bored. - Evelyn Waugh

Those that think it permissible to tell white lies soon grow color blind. - Austin O'Malley

remember, where there is a will there is a way (to go)!

tame the monkey

meet and eat

Here we have a game that combines the charm of a Pentagon briefing with the excitement of double-entry bookkeeping. - Cecil Adams (on the game Dungeons and Dragons, from Straight Dope)

I made up my mind long ago that life was too short to do anything for myself that I could pay others to do for me. -Somerset Maugham (1874 - 1965) British Novelist and playwright

All of us failed to match our dreams of perfection. So I rate us on the basis of our splendid failure to do the impossible. - William Faulkner (1897 - 1962) American author. Nobel prize winner.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section. - Norm Crosby

In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination. - Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

It requires a great deal of faith for a man to be cured by his own placebos. - John L. Mcclenahan

PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. - Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914), The Devil's Dictionary

Doctors pour drugs of which they know little, to cure diseases of which they know less, into patients of whom they know nothing. - Moliere (1622 - 1673)

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number? - Robin Williams (b. 1952) - American Oscar winning actor.

A man is not idle because he is absorbed in thought. There is a visible labor and there is an invisible labor. - Victor Hugo (1802 - 1885)

Picture Book

This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. - P. J. ORourke (b. 1947) - American political satirist.

The trouble with words is that you never know whose mouths they've been in. - Dennis Potter

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything. - Herb Caen

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost

Never judge a book by its movie. - J. W. Eagan

Commit a crime and the earth is made of glass. - Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

I do not know with what weapons World War 3 will be fought, but World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones. - Albert Einstein

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams. - Rita Rudner (b. 1956) - American comedian, actress.

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. - (1880 - 1956) Henry Louis Mencken, US Critic and Editor.

Anita Jain: Is Arranged Marriage Really Any Worse Than Craigslist?

Read the MOST POPULAR article from NewYorkmetro.com

(posted here with Author's permission)

Recently, i was cc’d on an e-mail addressed to my father. It read, “We liked the girl’s profile. The boy is in good state job in Mississippi and cannot come to New York. The girl must relocate to Mississippi.” The message was signed by Mr. Ramesh Gupta, “the boy’s father.”

That wasn’t as bad as the time I logged on to my computer at home in Fort Greene and got a message that asked, forgoing any preamble, what the date, time, and location of my birth were. Presumably sent to determine how astrologically harmonious a match with a Hindu suitor I’d be, the e-mail was dismayingly abrupt. But I did take heart in the fact that it was addressed only to me.

I’ve been fielding such messages—or, rather, my father has—more and more these days, having crossed the unmarriageable threshold for an Indian woman, 30, two years ago. My parents, in a very earnest bid to secure my eternal happiness, have been trying to marry me off to, well, just about anyone lately. In my childhood home near Sacramento, my father is up at night on arranged-marriage Websites. And the result—strange e-mails from boys’ fathers and stranger dates with those boys themselves—has become so much a part of my dating life that I’ve lost sight of how bizarre it once seemed.

Continue reading ...
Anita Jain is currently Technology and telecommunications reporter for Crain's New York Business

photography Chinese style

Andy Borowitz: martha shocker

MARTHA'S PRISON REPORTS 12-MONTH WAITING LIST by Andy Borowitz

Beats Out Harvard Business School as Top CEO Destinations

Domestic diva Martha Stewart, who saw the value of her stock soar since she began serving a five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison, has apparently now worked her magic on Alderson itself, which today reported a twelve-month waiting list of CEOs eager to do time there.

"Our phone has been ringing off the hook, and a lot of these CEO's haven't even committed a crime yet," said Alderson spokesperson Lucinda Colwin. "I'm like, rob a liquor store and then we'll talk."

Randall Trestman of the University of Minnesota's Graduate School of Business said that Ms. Stewart's stunning comeback has turned Alderson into "the place to be" for America's top corporate leaders.

"What Harvard Business School was in the eighties and the Internet sector was in the nineties, Alderson is today," he said.

CEOs whose companies' stock have sagged in recent months may face increasing pressure from shareholders to commit crimes in order to snag a precious one-way ticket to Alderson, Mr. Trestman said.

"Becoming a convicted felon is no longer a stigma for CEOs," he said. "It's their fiduciary responsibility."

Across the country, crimes involving CEOs, from accounting fraud to car theft, have surged over nine thousand percent in the past two months - a trend that does not surprise Mr. Trestman.

"If, instead of buying Compaq Computer, [former HP CEO] Carly Fiorina had stolen a Compaq computer from a Circuit City store, she might still have her job today," he added.

Elsewhere, after circling the globe without being able to eat, sleep or move, millionaire Steve Fossett said now he knows how it feels to fly coach.

guess?

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

oh the pilots!

Passengers on a plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilot uniforms. Both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start. The passengers begin glancing nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, screams of panic fill the cabin. But at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Joe, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

jest for pun (February'05)

February '05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird, and not enough the bad luck of the early worm. -Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

He who builds a better mousetrap these days runs into material shortages, patent-infringement suits, work stoppages, collusive bidding, discount discrimination--and taxes.- H. E. Martz

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. - Robert Benchley (My Ten Years in a Quandary, 1936)

geek and you shall find...

Some folks are wise and some otherwise. - Josh Billings (1815 - 1885), American Humorist and Lecturer)

I don't use drugs, my dreams are frightening enough. - M C Escher

east or west India is the best

Journalism is merely history's first draft. - Geoffrey C. Ward

Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these - Ovid (43 BC - 17 AD)

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from the smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

it's amazing how people take Valentines day to heart.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. - Robert Benchley (My Ten Years in a Quandary, 1936)

I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow. - Woodrow Wilson (1856 - 1924)

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does. - P. J. ORourke (Holidays in hell, 1989)

Some people love horoscopes to pisces.

Books have the same enemies as people: fire, humidity, animals, weather, and their own content. - Paul Valery (1871 - 1945)

lost in translation

Utter originality is, of course, out of the question. - Ezra Pound

A cube of cheese no larger than a die May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie.- Ambrose Bierce (1842 - 1914)

How Stock Market functions

It was autumn, and the Red Indians on the remote reservation asked their New Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Red Indian chief in a modern society, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his Tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.

He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is Going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood. A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "It's definitely going to be a very cold winter. The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely, The man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Red Indians are collecting wood like crazy."

This is how stock markets work!!!

Career Builder Super Bowl ad

Check out one of the famous Super Bowl Commercials from Career Builder.

Click here all 2005 Super Bowl Commercials

Bud Light Ads

Ads. are becoming intelligent and more funny. Though you may not drink but am sure you will enjoy all the Bud Light ads. My favorite is the Sky diver one.

Bush is Making the world safe

For gynaecologists. Video, Hilarious.

women are too intelligent

A woman goes to England to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good Trip. The wife answers: "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says: "An English girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the Airport and Asks: "So, honey, how the trip was?"

"Very good, thank you." "And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked?

"The one I asked for- the English girl!!"

"Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait a few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Moral of the story: "Don't tempt a woman, they are too intelligent"

WMD on Google Maps

Google finds what neither the US nor the UN inspectors couldn’t: Weapons of Mass Destruction:

Find more goodies for yourself. How about Osama Bin Ladin?

Crazy Horoscopes

We don't know what's in store for you this week, but the last time we checked, we discovered that Virgos should avoid muffins and Aquarians may want to try something really outrageous involving gooseberries. If a Pisces wants to attach paperweights to his or her eyelids and dance like a harlequin, that week was not the best time. So says the Goblin Prince, a zany young Brit who offers alternative astrological predictions. In addition to weekly horoscopes, the site offers an offbeat love-match tool to see which signs you're compatible with. Or try the dream interpreter if you've ever woken up from a dreamy sleep and thought, "What the hell was that all about?" The Goblin Prince can't guarantee accurate predictions, but you might have cause to worry if you're dreaming about lemons singing and dancing in your bathroom.

mind your language

1. Goto Google Translate ( http://translate.google.com/translate_t )
2. Type Aishwarya's mom is nice and cool
3. Select English to Spanish translation
4. Copy the text from under the "This text has been automatically translated from English:" box
5. Again goto Google Translate ( http://translate.google.com/translate_t )
6. Paste the spanish in translate text box
5. Select spanish to english translation

The 101 Dumbest Moments in Business

1 Defrauding investors is sooooooo 2002. These days it's all about hosing your customers.
2 Now that's pain relief.
3 What's the problem? We love a guy who stands behind his product.
4 Do as I say, not as I...hey, get a load of those!
5 For more nostalgia, you can always check out your legal bills from the DOJ antitrust lawsuit.
6 The family that colludes together, stays together.
7-9 If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
10 In fairness, though, they did turn away the $300 with Dennis Kucinich.

Continue reading...

jest for pun (January'05)

January'05 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

google googly

mind your language

A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book. - Ernest Hemingway

What a strange idea we sometimes have that love gives us the privilege of rudeness. Show your friend who so easily overlooks your faults the same fine courtesy that you show a stranger who would not overlook them. - Anonymous

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. - Tom Clancy

A myth is a religion in which no one any longer believes. - James Feibleman

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. - Rita Rudner

Journalism is merely history's first draft. - Geoffrey C. Ward

Cranes carry this heavy mystical baggage. They're icons of fidelity and happiness. The Vietnamese believe cranes cart our souls up to heaven on their wings. - Mitchell Burgess

think outside the box

Ye can lead a man up to the university, but ye can't make him think. - Finley Peter Dunne

circle in the sand ’round and ’round

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'. - Homer Simpson

The job of the artist is to deepen the mystery.- Sir Francis Bacon (1561 - 1626)

I am an equal opportunity offender. I do not discriminate. - Atanu Dey

My New Year resolution? 1024*768

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals. - Winston Churchill

NEWTON is not Newton

All the scientists die and go to heaven.

They decide to play hide-n-seek. Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den. He is supposed to count up to 100, and then start searching.

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein. Einstein counts 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100.

He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front. Einstein says "Newton's out. Newton's....out....."

Newton denies and says Newton is not out.

He claims that he is not Newton.

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared. That makes me Newton per meter squared since a Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, therefore Pascal is OUT!!!!!!!!!"

Broken Engagement

Dear Marty,

I have been unable to sleep since I halted your engagement to my daughter. Will you forgive and forget?

I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted that way to the fact that you have never held a job.

I am also very sure that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure my daughter is only 18 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on full scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.

I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.

P.S. Congratulations on winning the lottery!

Top 12 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
3. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
4. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
5. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
6. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
7. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
8. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
9. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
10. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.
11. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
12. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Snafu University

​​​​​If you feel that there's a special circle of hell reserved for the people responsible for creating the lengthy college admissions process, Snafu University is the school for you. It's got all the essential elements of an ideal college experience, with none of the lofty standards. Emphasis on higher learning? Check. Dean Dean and the diverse faculty at Snafu pride themselves on believing that academics come first. Sports teams for the athletically inclined? Naturally. Join the varsity marbles squad or the intramural wheelbarrow-racing club. A totally hoppin' social scene? But of course. The list of extracurricular activities offers something for everyone from Tetris enthusiasts to Vegans for Violence. So go ahead and download their pre-approved online application. Not a single personal statement essay in sight.

Top 10 bizarre e-mailed stories of 2004.

CNN has its list of Top 10 bizarre e-mailed stories of 2004. The number one story:

"Bear guzzles 36 beers, passes out at campground" (August 18)

Campground workers at the Baker Lake Resort on Washington State's Puget Sound were surprised to find a black bear passed out and surrounded by three dozen beer cans. The animal had swiped the suds from campers' coolers and seemed to take a liking to the local brew, Rainier Beer.

The bear was chased away only to return the next day, presumably looking for more beer. Wildlife agents captured the bear using honey, doughnuts and beer for bait.

Andy Borowitz: pep rally shocker

IN EFFORT TO DEMORALIZE ENEMY, RUMSFELD HOLDS PEP RALLY FOR INSURGENTS by Andy Borowitz

"Charmless Offensive" Begins

In a bold attempt to undermine the insurgency prior to the Iraqi elections this month, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld hosted what was described as a "pep rally" for insurgents in Baghdad today, leaving most terrorists in attendance "totally demoralized," observers said.

With just four weeks remaining before the January 30 vote, the White House reasoned that Mr. Rumsfeld's ability to alienate and discourage large numbers of people with his curt responses and brusque manner could be a powerful weapon to attack and possibly destroy the insurgency altogether.

Over the past few weeks, U.S. planes dropped leaflets over insurgent-controlled areas in Iraq announcing today's meeting with Secretary Rumsfeld, which was billed as "a pep rally and Q & A session for all Iraqi insurgents."

At the rally today, Mr. Rumsfeld wasted no time launching into what aides called a "charmless offensive" designed to leave the insurgents feeling thoroughly discouraged.

When asked about the ragtag condition of some of the insurgent units, Mr. Rumsfeld shrugged and said, "You wage an insurgency with the terrorists you have, not the terrorists you might want."

After giving similarly dismissive responses to a handful of questions, Mr. Rumsfeld worked the crowd in a cursory way, stopping to give several insurgents his autograph with an autopen.

"Before Rumsfeld started speaking, I was dedicated to the insurgency," said terrorist Maysaloun Salim, 27. "Now I have lost the will to live."

Elsewhere, the Food and Drug Administration announced today that anyone who has taken any kind of pill in the last five years will die by the end of this week.

A Precious Case from Middle Earth

The latest issue of The British Medical Journal has a case report on Smeagol, aka "Gollum". Among their conclusions,

"He fulfils seven of the nine criteria for schizoid personality disorder (ICD F60.1), and, if we must label Gollum's problems, we believe that this is the most likely diagnosis... He is hypervigilant and does not seem to need much sleep. This, accompanied by his bulging eyes and weight loss, suggests hyperthyroidism."

Of course, it could also be the effect of the One Ring, something not yet included in the current ICD-10 (International Classification of Diseases) codes.

More medical humor:

Notes from actual patient medical records.

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on this floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

jest for pun (December'04)

(December'04 BlogThoughts

Every calendar's days are numbered.

If you try a jigsaw puzzle that is too hard, don't go to pieces.

how is the weather there

Darkest hours

A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. - James Beard (1903-1985)

In the bleak midwinter Frosty wind made moan, Earth stood hard as iron, Water like a stone; Snow had fallen, snow on snow, Snow on snow, In the bleak midwinter, Long ago. - Christina G. Rossetti (1830 - 1894), A Christmas Carol

When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet. - Stanislaw Lem (1921 - ), "Unkempt Thoughts", 1962

The future's not ours to see

food for plate

Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. -Henry Van Dyke

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond. - Mae West (1893 - 1980) American actress

Take Nothing but Pictures. Leave nothing but footprints. Kill nothing but time. - Motto of the Baltimore Grotto (caving society)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. - George Carlin (1937 - )

gross national happiness is more important than gross national product - King of Bhutan

A film is never really any good unless the camera is an eye in the head of a poet. - Orson Welles

On cable TV they have a weather channel - 24 hours of weather. We had something like that where I grew up. We called it a window. -Dan Spencer

games people p(l)ay

There is no gravity. The earth sucks. - Graffito

Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.- Sir Richard Steele

spam wham

Newton's Laws Redefined for IT industry

(ORIGINAL)
1. Every body continues its state of rest or uniform motion unless it is acted by external unbalanced force.
(IT)
Every Software Engineer continues his state of chatting or forwarding mails unless he is assigned work by external unbalanced manager.

(ORIGINAL)
2. The rate of change of velocity of a body is directly proportional to the applied force & takes place in the same direction in which force is applied
(IT)
The rate of change in the software is directly proportional to the payment received from client and takes place at the quick rate as when deadline force is applied.

(ORIGINAL)
3.For every action there is equal and opposite reaction.
(IT)
For every Use Case Manifestation there is an equal but opposite Software Implementation.

(ORIGINAL)
Law of Conservation of Energy: Energy can neither be created nor be destroyed. It can be converted from one form to another. The total amount of energy in the universe always remains constant.
(IT)
Bugs can neither be created nor be removed from software by a developer. It can only be converted from one form to another. The total number of bugs in the software always remains constant.

Andy Borowitz: nominee vetting shocker

BUSH TO GOOGLE FUTURE NOMINEES by Andy Borowitz

Kerik + Nanny Yields 20,000 Web Pages

After the embarrassing flap over the nomination of Bernard Kerik as the new Homeland Security Secretary, President George W. Bush announced today that the White House would take the extraordinary step of Googling all future Cabinet nominees.

"Looking back on it, I wish we had Googled Bernard Kerik," the president said today. "It would've saved us a lot of grief all around."

Mr. Bush said that he would have Googled Mr. Kerik earlier, but that he only learned of the existence of the Google search engine on Friday, long after the Kerik appointment had been made public.

"I guess I have a lot to learn about the Internets," Mr. Bush said.

Instead of silencing critics, however, the president's comments only emboldened those who had been urging the Administration to Google prospective nominees for months.

According to those critics, a simple Google search using the words "Kerik + Nanny", for example, yields over 20,000 separate web pages, while a search using the words "Kerik + Conflict + Interest" yields over 900,000 pages.

At the firestorm over the failure to Google Mr. Kerik raged, White House spokesman Scott McClellan denied that the Administration did not do a thorough job of vetting the former police commissioner: "We asked Jeeves if he was okay, and Jeeves said he was."

Mr. McClellan added that the White House is now considering nominating only candidates who do not have a nanny, but added, "That would mean picking a Democrat."

Elsewhere, the Labor Department announced that unemployment surged in the last month but attributed much of the increase to the Bush cabinet.

'Harvard Sucks'

Yale Students Perform Prank of the Century, Almost

In a rivalry that is 121st old, students at Yale University successfully pulled off the most impressive prank in the history of rival pranks.

The students (in a video you can view here and Listen to "Harvard Sucks" the song) faked being members of the "Harvard Pep Squad," passing out pieces of paper to the Harvard side of the stadium.

These Harvard fans were told that the pieces of paper would join together to spell "GO HARVARD." Little did they know, when held up at just the right moment, the pieces actually spelled "WE SUCK."

While this was not an original idea, it was still a great feat in and of itself. The prank was reminiscent of the Great Rose Bowl Hoax on January 2, 1961.