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March 04, 2005

Andy Borowitz: martha shocker


Beats Out Harvard Business School as Top CEO Destinations

Domestic diva Martha Stewart, who saw the value of her stock soar since she began serving a five-month sentence at Alderson Federal Prison, has apparently now worked her magic on Alderson itself, which today reported a twelve-month waiting list of CEOs eager to do time there.

"Our phone has been ringing off the hook, and a lot of these CEO's haven't even committed a crime yet," said Alderson spokesperson Lucinda Colwin. "I'm like, rob a liquor store and then we'll talk."

Randall Trestman of the University of Minnesota's Graduate School of Business said that Ms. Stewart's stunning comeback has turned Alderson into "the place to be" for America's top corporate leaders.

"What Harvard Business School was in the eighties and the Internet sector was in the nineties, Alderson is today," he said.

CEOs whose companies' stock have sagged in recent months may face increasing pressure from shareholders to commit crimes in order to snag a precious one-way ticket to Alderson, Mr. Trestman said.

"Becoming a convicted felon is no longer a stigma for CEOs," he said. "It's their fiduciary responsibility."

Across the country, crimes involving CEOs, from accounting fraud to car theft, have surged over nine thousand percent in the past two months - a trend that does not surprise Mr. Trestman.

"If, instead of buying Compaq Computer, [former HP CEO] Carly Fiorina had stolen a Compaq computer from a Circuit City store, she might still have her job today," he added.

Elsewhere, after circling the globe without being able to eat, sleep or move, millionaire Steve Fossett said now he knows how it feels to fly coach.

March 4, 2005 in Columnists, Humor | Permalink


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